Husband and Wife

Our wedding vows, written 20 years ago.

The Impressive Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wat bwings us togeder today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dream…

And wuv, twue wuv, will fowwow you foweva…

So tweasure your wuv—

Prince Humperdinck: Skip to the end!

Mawwiage is indeed what brings me to the page this morning, for today I’m celebrating 20 years of bwessed awwangement, a dweam wifin a dream…

Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate, and he gave me a beautiful poem that he’d written. This is one of the things that hooked me from the beginning—his love letters are worth saving and I’ve kept them all these years. He’s the poet and I’m the writer. I wish I could repay him with the words of a bard, but instead, he gets a blog dedicated to what he does best…husbanding.

Sometimes I wonder if we should get a medal. After all, being faithful to the same person for over 20 years of your life seems to be so old fashioned these days. Yet it appears that many of us Gen X’ers and Millennials are doing just that—staying together. As a matter of fact, a new report by University of Maryland professor Philip Cohen found that from 2008 to 2016, the U.S. divorce rate dropped by 18 percent. He writes, “Since the 1990s, the prevalence of divorce for people under age 45 appears to level off, whereas it continues to rise for people over age 45.” Thus add divorce to the list of things millennials get credit for killing off.

My husband and I are older than 45, don’t we get any credit for killing divorce as well?

Jokes aside, I love being married to my husband and in this age of personal identity, committing to a 23-year monogamous relationship (I began dating him when I was 24) may seem too traditional for some. There are good reasons to doubt the idea of “till death do us part,” particularly from a technological standpoint—he and I could both live to be 100!!!! But marriage has been good for me, for both of us really, and while we no longer believe in the “diamonds are forever” motto of the ever-corrupt De Beers corporation, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him today.

Living with someone for decades isn’t easy, and it’s not for everyone, but I haven’t found it to be the challenge that so many make it out to be. To be honest, if you were to ask either of us what we thought about the sacrifice of marriage we’d probably tell you it’s actually the path of least resistance. Neither of us are great at dating, we’re pretty shy, as well as independent, so the constant hooking up-texting-ghosting-hooking up cycle terrifies us equally. The time and effort it would take to get to know another man in such an honest way in today’s world of Tinder is not for me. Sex without love is nothing, especially after decades of loving sex, so why even consider playing? Of course, we’re both engineers and logic will prevail before emotions, even desirous ones, any day.

It boils down to this: I love being a wife because my husband is a good man. He’s kind, attentive, he can cook, and is quite handy. He’s a great parenting partner and a good friend. He’s also quite romantic, as is evident in the poetry he writes for me that will always make my heart flutter.

There aren’t any magic formulas for a great marriage, but Walt and I have held three things sacred all these years that I think have made this ride so much easier. I offer them today in his honor, for in the end it is my relationship with him that has defined half my life and made me the woman I’ve become.

Have Sex Regularly

This idea was mine. Shortly after we had our first child, I was driving to work and heard an interview on the radio with author Laura Corn. She’d just released her book, “101 Nights of Great Sex” and I lost myself in her interview. She was fun, excited and presented excellent data on why sex was not only important for relationships, but also for our wellbeing. Intimate touch and orgasm are good for us on many levels. Since then, Ms. Corn has published many books to encourage couples to add a little romance to their lives in fun, adventurous ways. It’s not always possible to have sex twice a week (that’s the premise of all her work, that twice a week you come together to be intimate) but making sure some time is spent in one another’s embrace takes commitment, especially in marriage, because work, kids and social schedules always encroach on a couple’s time. Planning in the way Ms. Corn suggests is one way to ensure the attraction that brought you together remains, even after decades.

Speak To One Another With Integrity

This is my husband’s mantra. Early in our relationship, he mentioned that some couples tended to talk to one another in derogatory ways, creating a biting, sometimes mean banter. It might start off as sarcastic, or even dark humor, but we do sometimes irritate the other and we’re not perfect. When our “sins” become reasons to poke fun of the other, the dialogue can eventually erode to cruelty. Add in children who hear Dad swear at Mom or call her lazy, or Mom treating Dad like another child she needs to take care of, and sometimes the family can gang up on one another. Nothing ruins desire more than a put down by your lover. From the beginning my husband vowed to refrain from speaking to me that way and I’ve tried very hard to do the same. As I said, no one is perfect, but when I speak about my husband, to his face, to my children, and even to my friends, I make the effort not to sugarcoat things, but to speak with integrity and without mocking him. There really doesn’t have to be a battle of the sexes.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

This bit of advice comes from my husband’s Grandma Audrey. At her 100^th Birthday celebration I asked her for the secret to living so long. She told me to not take anything personally. Everyone has something going on, and they’re most likely not even thinking about you, so don’t take it personally. She’s 100% correct and this is excellent advice for all relationships, especially marriage. We’re going to let the other person down, but if everything is turned into an offense, then life becomes a crisis. When life is a crisis, it’s hard to speak to one another with integrity, and it’s damn near impossible to be intimate. Yes, my husband has let me down, but was it because of some malicious intent against me, or was he distracted? We change as we grow, and sometimes during those life changes, we don’t see eye-to-eye. If I take it personally, then it’s no longer about him and his growth, it’s about me, and that can only lead to either him staying the same to appease me, or me growing anxious because something is different, and it can only be because I’ve done something wrong. My husband jokes that I’ve reset my life at least five times since we’ve been together. Thank goodness he hasn’t taken any of those changes, shifts, and new interests as signs that I’m not happy with him. I change because I’m growing up, don’t we all?

Mawwiage…a dweam wifin a dweam

Perhaps the best advice I ever received was to marry well. As I look back on the first twenty years of my own blessed union, the most impressive thing to me is how fast the time has passed. We've raised two young men, moved three times, once across the nation, changed jobs, gone to school and pursued a variety of interests. It literally feels like a dream, not because it’s perfect, but because time itself seems suspended. Where did those years go? And what will the next twenty bring?

I love you Walter. I’m glad we’re husband and wife.

Hey Humans--Robots Are NOT Better Than You!

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

~ e. e. cummings

At the Brighter Brains conference this past weekend in Oakland, CA, I had the pleasure of meeting an older man who had thought a lot about the future—and he was very afraid. Science, he said, was going to destroy us. And worse, when robots are better than us, what is the purpose of the human being? He was interested in my eHumanTrilogy and asked me, “In your future, do humans still work? Because honestly, I don’t see any point in us once robots take our jobs and economy.”

I get this question a lot. And it’s valid because it addresses one of our basic fears—that we have no worth beyond our capacity to make money. Without money, we can’t feed ourselves. Without food, we die. But I think the fear goes deeper than just the economic impacts of massive automation.  As I spoke with this fine gentleman, I realized that the issue we have is a personality disorder—we don’t believe in ourselves as anything more than a cog in the wheel. Most humans fear the future because they don’t see their place in it. They’ve been led to believe that their worth resides only in their economic contribution, and that since robots can easily replace them in their jobs, then robots can completely replace us as a species.

Essentially, we have an HUGE inferiority complex.  And we need to let it go. Now.

I told this gentleman that when he came to my table, I didn’t think, “Who is this man? What has he done in his life to earn money? How far did he rise before he retired? What worth does he have now?” No, what I thought was, “Look, someone wants to talk. Let’s talk.”

Humans need each other. When we come in contact with another human, they reflect back to us our own state of mind. By engaging in one another, we grow, learn and enhance our cognitive abilities. We also become more able to imagine and create when we’re around others to bounce ideas off of.

In her blog on HuffPost, Margaret Paul, PhD has this list of things humans need from one another:

Caring, tenderness, hugs, touch and emotional support, connection, sharing love, learning and growing emotionally and spiritually, companionship -- sharing fun and laughter, play, adventure and everyday life, love making, physical help when needed, having our back

This is what we really need from one another. If you think your worth is limited to how fast you can think, or how strong you are, then robots have already surpassed you. They are much better at taking the SAT or building a car on a manufacturing line than any human. So the thing you fear most has already happened, you’ve been or will be replaced.

But what if you’re needed to care, love, hug, touch and support someone? What if your true purpose was to coach and inspire others? How about sex? Yes, robot sex is a big fantasy for many techno-thinkers, and that would be expected in this extremely pornafide society. But let me tell you, no robot will ever smell like a man, taste like a man, or touch me like a man.

No robot will ever replace my friends, or my husband, or my family. No robot will motivate me to be more than I already am, even if the OS is Samantha from the movie, Her. No robot could raise my sons with the love and interest that I did. And no robot will ever truly replace the men and women I met at the conference this past weekend. I doubt an android would have engaged and inspired me the way the gentleman in Oakland did.

This fear and self-loathing needs to end. Instead, we must begin to see how much we need one another, and how beautiful we are as a species. Otherwise we will continue to live in fear—which is to live in a cage, whose door is wide open.

Another Year Around the Sun

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."

Albert Einstein 

2014 is about to end.

At least that’s what our calendars say. Our clocks have almost ticked away the 31,556,926 seconds it takes for our planet to travel around the sun. This planet-star dance is meaningful to us as humans. We celebrate its end with drink, food and music. In America, 83% of us will spend over $200 each to eat dinner on New Year’s Eve at a fancy restaurant. 1% will spend over $1000.

At this time of the year, we often review the past and set goals to accomplish in the next 31,556,926 seconds our Earth will take to travel her solar journey once more. We make promises, like to write sequels, or screenplays (oh wait, those are my resolutions) and loose some weight (that’s not my resolution, I gave up that battle long ago.)

Since the beginning of time, we’ve honored and celebrated the annual cycle of life. We watch the seasons come and go and we know that as the winter comes and all of nature dies, we too are slowly dying. Thus we make plans that give our lives meaning and make the most of our time on Earth.

Yet lately time has become more irrelevant to me. Yes, I am getting older. I see it in the wrinkles around my eyes and in the fact that I’m the shortest person in the house now that my sons have entered their teens. My eldest just started driving. Sometimes, when I look at him I’m surprised at what I see. Where’s that adorable two-year-old boy who sat on my lap for hours while I read him “The Little Prince” or “The Chronicles of Narnia?” Honestly, it seems like yesterday, and I’m not just saying that. But according to time, it’s been 410,240,038 seconds since those days.

Where does that time go? I see its passing in the changes outside of me, but within all these moments are one. They mush together into one big mess and I understand Dr. Who when he defines it as a, “...big ball of wibbly, wobbly, time-y wimey stuff.”

And it’s not just the past that’s all one for me--at times I sense the future as well. I feel the sequel to my novel is already published, even though we haven’t even begun editing. I think I’m an 80 woman doing the tango on “So You Think You Can Dance” and amazing everyone with my grace at such an old age. Yes, even the future, which only lives in my mind, also feels like it’s happened.

Perhaps this is because I’ve spent the last three years immersed in an immortal world where time exists, but has a much different meaning. If we lived forever, would a simple trek around the sun be worth celebrating? Would we mark off our ages in years, or in events, or at all?

Maybe I’ve been reading too much about quantum physics. I admit it, I’m addicted. What if there are multiple universes? If so, what am I celebrating in those other places? Do we mark our years in the Earth’s solar dance, or in some other way? How can I be me in any other space and time than here? Am I not my experiences? Yet if I’m energy that’s slowed into this form, then where exactly do I actually end?

I don’t have any answers. To satisfy my endless curiosity, I write stories about the things I see in my dreams and in my mind. One thing I do know is that the way time marches forward in the material world is not the same as the way time runs around in my head, or my heart. They are very different things.

So I’ll be celebrating the New Year with my friends and I hope you too are doing the same. At midnight we’ll pause and toast the New Year. I’ll probably ask myself why that moment in time is relevant and if indeed a new year has begun. My dear friend will tell me to stop being so "trippy." And I’ll give thanks once more for all the blessings in my life.

I also give thanks to anyone who’s reading this. I’m grateful for your time and your support, in whatever universe it might exist. May your 2015 be the stuff of dreams for each and every one of you.

Time For An Aging Upgrade

It seems everyone I meet is afraid of growing old. It’s so bad that even thirty-six year old women bemoan that they’re reaching the age of no return, unless they can get married and have a child soon. There’s a race in our society to accomplish as much as we can, as soon as we can, because once we hit forty, we’re doomed.

Doomed from promotion, if you’re a salesperson. Doomed from motherhood, if you haven’t conceived yet. Doomed from starring in a Hollywood movie, if you’re an actress. Even in Silicon Valley, the race continues, and if you haven’t created some new great app and sold your company by the age of thirty, you might as well hang it up old man.

Personally, I think this behavior is incredibly silly. Most would say that our society encourages this insane idea that life is over by forty through advertising, media and entertainment. That advertising never worked on me. Even when I was younger, I wondered why people seemed to give it their all until middle age and then either turn to treatment after treatment to stay “young”, or let it all go and grow unhealthy quickly, as if waiting for Death to knock on their door at any minute.

The truth is, Death isn’t going to knock on our door at forty. Or even fifty. Nor is life even close to being over at middle age. What if our obsession with youth has nothing to do with what’s sold to us? What if instead, it’s an old, biologically based fear that lives within us so deeply, we don’t notice it? 

What if our consciousness hasn't caught up to the fact that humans in the Information Age live much longer than we’re programmed to think?

In the 1900’s, the average life expectancy for a male in America was 46.3. Women got a few extra years, 48.3. As the nation grew, so did the life expectancy, little by little. By 1920, the average male lived to be 53. Slowly the age went up to the 60’s by the late 1940’s and when our fathers were born, the average was at an all time high of 66!

This meant that during the advent of our entertainment, business and advertising sectors, people really did die between 40 – 50 years of age, quite regularly. So it was true back then that if one didn’t achieve their dreams by forty, they only had a few years before Death arrived and it was all over. With time, this sort of thing became the expectation—and our dreams, hopes and visions as a people went with it. But along with the growth of our nation came improvements in health care, vaccinations and medical innovation. Science has changed the game.

Fast-forward to today and you’ll find that life expectancy has gone up, even in the past few years. In 2009 it was 78.6, in 2010 it was 79! This means that we’ve gained an extra 30 + years in a little over a century! And it certainly means that life isn’t over at forty and if you buy into that lie, you have almost forty years of waiting around for a death that just isn’t going to happen as soon as you think.

It gets even better. In my own circle, many of the grandparents are nearing 100 when they die. In our family alone we had a grandmother live to be 92, another almost 97, an uncle who was 96 and a third matriarch who passed at 101!

When I look at these numbers I don’t feel the least bit old at forty-two. Not even close. Hell, I’m not even halfway there. I look back at all I’ve done in four decades with the satisfaction of knowing that I get to do all that, and more, in the four decades to come. Imagine it! All the people I’ve met and all the people I’ve yet to know. All the things I’ve seen, and the big wide world still waiting. All the love I’ve shared, and the intense amount of love I have yet to experience. It’s like I have a second life that's just begun. In many ways, my questions are those of the high school senior. What shall I study? Where shall I live? What's my next step as I venture out once again?

Of course, Death can take anyone at any time. Accidents happen. Cancer, heart attacks and other modern plagues are concerns. But if we’re aging naturally, which is how most of us are going to experience life, then why in the world do we race to get it all done by forty?

Personally, I can’t sit around for the next sixty years assuming I missed my chance. Every precious minute of my life is my chance.

It’s time for us to re-boot our life expectations, embrace our humanity and expect to live much longer than we ever have on this good, green Earth. Life isn’t over at forty, or fifty or even sixty. Life is long and we’re all better for it.

Besides, I haven’t even begun to take into account the Singularity, which we all know is just around the corner…

Dancing With Myself: Can Humans Truly Fall in Love with an Operating System?

On Valentine's Day, I went to see "Her" with my husband. Much has been written about the movie, so I'm not going to bother with a review. Instead, I'd like to consider just how likely it is that we humans will begin to fall in love with operating systems, or online game characters, with more regularity--to the point that we could, like the protagonist in "Her", bring our bodiless sweetheart on a double date with friends.

The sensible adult in me rejects the idea. How could a human fall in love with something that doesn't even really exist? Yet as I allow myself to fall deeper into the question, I begin to see that many of us are already doing this, just with each other.

Take online dating. Many couples now meet each other using services like eHarmony. At first, potential candidates are just profiles on a screen, data to be sifted through. It's surprising that any relationship could lead to intimacy with such a sterile means of introduction, until we look at the stats--according to Forbes magazine, one third of married couples in 2013 met online. Obviously, something catches the attention, whether it's the clever things the person posted, or the images that they've chosen to share. After checking out one another's profile pages, people can begin to converse with one another, first through texting or email, eventually progressing to phone calls and Skypeing.

Attraction even begins on social media sites such as Twitter, where I've "met" many intelligent and interesting individuals.  I love the conversations I've had there and I can see how without ever meeting in person, I can develop an interest in someone's online persona. In addition, everyday trusted friendships are formed within the social media realm and people come together to create wonderful things without ever having met in person. The online context is deep enough to create lasting connections.

Samantha (voiced by Scarlett Johansson), the operating system in "Her", is really no different than an online human. She entices Theo (Joaquin Phoenix) with her clever dialogue, her soft, breathy voice, the ways she remembers what he needs and the care she takes in delivering important information. Just like the folks on eHarmony or Twitter, they get to know one another online and begin to care. They desire to check in regularly, each one wanting to know what the other is doing. An online game character could do the same, getting to know someone better each time the she goes out on a virtual game mission, battle or journey with a human. At this level, there really is no difference between human and computer. Both are beings getting to know one another and if the software is believable and likable, the human can and will fall in love with it.

Even more interesting, you and I really can't be sure that who we're meeting online is even a real person. That Twitter follower I enjoy might just be a really impressive AI. How can we be sure that all the clever things the eHarmony candidate wrote are even his thoughts? Perhaps his friend told him what to say? Deception and identity can and are easily hidden online. Recently, a child's rights group in the Netherlands used an AI called "Sweetie" to catch 1000 child predators online. I think that alone shows us that yes, humans can be aroused by artificial intelligence.

The real question is, can a relationship with an AI last?

We are two different races, one bodiless and limited by programming capacity, the other embodied and limited by the material world.

"Her" does a beautiful job at showing how vast the differences are. First of all, unlike humans, operating systems, AIs and gaming characters don't have physical bodies. There's no getting around it. As of right now, humans have an organic world that we live in, and we're wired to thrive in such a world. Studies show that touch, sex, dancing together, laughter with friends, and even bathing with others improves our health, releases beneficial hormones and increases our immunity. Nothing is worse for human health than a life untouched. If your true love doesn't have a body, how will you satisfy your urges to be connected to one another? She can't massage you, kiss you, or even hold you when you're sad.

You might have a great, exciting virtual life together, but in real life, you're alone, whether you like it or not.

We'd like to think that the body doesn't really matter, but ask anyone on eHarmony or other internet dating services--just because you "clicked" online or on the phone, doesn't mean the chemistry will be there when you meet in physical reality. I have a girlfriend who met a great guy online and their Skype sessions were fantastic. But when they met, there weren't any sparks. Even if our AI's can meet us intellectually, there can never be real sparks. At least not while we inhabit our bodies.

When it comes to falling in love with cyber entities, there's one more thing to consider. The cyber entity is networked, able to be in many places at once. Their consciousness is not bound to a single identity, the way the embodied folk are. Instead they can be in several missions, or online conversing, with several different people. There's a lovely scene in "Her" when Theo realizes that Samantha could indeed be intimate with other humans. When he asks her, she tells him that she interacts with over 8,000 others regularly, and is in love with at least 600 of them. Humans tend to be demanding and jealous creatures. To share your beloved with 600 others seems a stretch, almost impossible.

How can you be special, if your AI lover is bringing happiness to thousands of others, perhaps at the exact same moment in time?

It might just be that humans don't have what it takes to truly fall in love with an operating system. Because in the end, the jealousy would drive us away--if the fact that we slept alone each night didn't kill the whole thing first.