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“I was there when God put the skies in place, when he stretched the
horizon over the oceans, when he made the clouds above and put the deep
underground springs in place. I was
there when he ordered the sea not to go beyond the borders he had set. I was
there when he laid the earth's foundation. I was like a child by his side. I was
delighted every day, enjoying his presence all the time, enjoying the whole
world, and delighted with all its people.” ~Proverbs 8:27-31
Life is complicated. Events come at us, sometimes from out of
nowhere, sometimes barreling down the highway of destiny right at us and there’s
nothing we can do to avoid the impending collision. There’s much about life in
the body that is in flux and in constant change, no matter how strict of control
systems we have in place.
There is however, one thing that is completely ours to choose,
and that’s our state of mind. We can look at this world and one another with
delight, intrigue, and curiosity, or we can gaze with eyes narrowed, disdainful
of all we don’t agree with, and hell bent on proving ourselves correct, and
still in control, no matter what the cost.
A lot has been written lately about why we should quit
social media, including studies that show less time on Facebook and other apps
like it actually makes us happier. I
think this is correct, but not because the algorithms create our dis-ease. We
create our dis-ease through the constant arguing and disdain for one another and
this behavior has rendered social media useless to me. I haven’t deleted it, I
simply never enjoy my time on it anymore. Because every damn thing is a crisis,
an opportunity for someone to get all riled up. Even the most innocent post can
make the masses writhe in self-righteousness, as if their comment is going to
save the poster from falling into the abyss of stupidity.
There are people who live in constant fear of Trump setting
off WWIII, while others are terrified that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is going to
create a Stalinist state. A tweet from the junior congresswoman or the
president of the USA will raise the collective blood pressure to a state
nearing a national emergency. And that’s just politics. Refuse the flu shot and
get attacked as stupid and unscientific, even if you’ve had every other vaccine
in the book. Enjoy praying the Rosary and be called a misogynist for propping
up the Catholic Church. Like a local restaurant and be condemned for eating
there because maybe the owner donated to the KKK forty years ago. Post something
about the importance of homemakers and childcare you’ll start a mommy war in
ten seconds flat.
And yet, under all of this constant online complaining and criticizing is our desire to be happy.
Self-help gurus are making millions telling you how to be happy when perhaps
the answer lies within your own mind, your own heart, and your own will? What
if the secret to happiness can be summed up thus: either you delight in life, or you disdain it. The results of that
decision will be clear, I can promise you that.
Surviving Change by Choosing Joy
“Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.”
~ W.H. Arden
I’ve written before about how
hard the transition from my career to staying home with my kids was for me. I
was pregnant with my second child when my nanny quit and while interviewing
others to take her place, I found that perhaps I was the one meant to the job. Only
in hindsight can I admit that some part of me wanted to be with my children all
day, even if it wasn’t as stimulating as my job. But back then, I never would
have admitted such a thing, for to admit it would have been a defeat. When I
told people of my decision to stay home, the standard response was, “Oh, I could NEVER do that, I’d go crazy all day with nothing but the kids. Good for you thinking you can.”
While I knew part of me wanted to
be with my babies, for I delighted in their company, the other part of me
disdained everything motherhood stood for. And that was the part of me that had
to be corrected if I were to be satisfied in that situation. For delight doesn't mean constant joy, it means finding satisfaction in the work that life requires of us.
I turned off the TV and the news,
for the world was filled with disdain. I threw out the Pottery Barn and
clothing catalogs, for I could no longer afford such things. I traded in Working Mother for Mothering magazine, since I needed to be surrounded by literature
that supported mothering in this way. I
surrounded myself with parenting literature like Mindfulness Parenting and You
are Your Child’s First Teacher. It was a slow process, it took two years of
effort and a good shrink to finally find peace with my decision, and while I’ve
never learned to live fully in the now, I do know that I can live with more delight,
if only I chose to focus on the beauty in the chaos that defines life. Even when the affection isn’t equal, choosing to
be the more loving one is the way to peace. This is especially true in the
divided, snarky, arguing and mistrustful society we currently reside in.
The Devil vs. Wisdom
It is written that when God
created the world, Wisdom delighted in it. She (the gender that the entity is
often referred to) danced above the waters, adored the animals, and delighted
in all its peoples. She loved life, for she was life, and as such, loved
herself. This is the essence of wisdom, and something that most of us miss—for to
look upon another with delight is to delight in one’s self. The opposite is
also true—to disdain others is to disdain yourself.
In most traditions disdain for mankind the Devil's motto. In his great masterpiece, Faust, the German poet Goethe uses the devilish Mephistopheles to
show us just how this part of our psyche disdains us, for all our gods and
devils are reflections of our own consciousness.
“About suns and worlds I don’t know beans, I
only see
How mortals find their lives pure misery.
Earth’s little gods shaped out of the same
old clay,
He’s the same queer fish he was on the first
day.
He’d be much better off, in my opinion,
without
The bit of heavenly light you dealt him out.
He calls I Reason, and the use he puts it
to?
To act more beastly than the beasts ever do.”
~Mephistopheles
It seems that as we approach the Twenties,
to be snarky and disdainful is in, and to delight is seen as childish, naïve and
foolish. Everyone rushes to cut the other down, to make sure their criticisms
are heard. Even common dialogue is veiled sarcasm. I’m used to my father arguing my every plan, it’s a game we play,
but a world full of Debbie Downers is truly exhausting.
After fifteen years of being a
teacher and novelist, I’ve begun to return to tech and I’ve noticed that when I
share this decision with others, they tend to be negative. “Are you sure you
want to do that?” “Women in tech are treated so horribly.” “Who wants to be a
code monkey all day?” “They work developers to the bone, you’ll never have time
for anything else.” Honestly, when I left tech all anyone could say was how
could you, yet now when I return, they say it’s horrible and I should stay away?
Methinks it has nothing to do
with tech, or career, or work, or family. It has to do with the fact that to judge
one another is the way of humanity, and it’s holding us back from taking our evolution
to the next level. Which is a shame, because it just proves Mephistopheles right.
I myself would rather delight
with Wisdom as the world changes.
