Life is difficult.
This is a great truth,
one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this
truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly
understand it and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it
is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
Thus begins, The Road
Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck, one of the greatest and most accessible
books on the human condition that I have ever had the pleasure of reading. My
therapist gave it to me when I was twenty-two, just hatched from college and
home, and out in the “real world” for the first time. I remember reading this
passage over and over, knowing it was true from the get go, but wanting to deny
it none-the-less. It would take the next two decades to finally surrender to
it.
Life is difficult, it’s the nature of living in a body. At
its most basic, energy and effort are required at every turn to care for and
manage the physical form, to keep it fed, clothed and safe. Add to this other
bodies to take care of, as well as a community to build, and lastly the things
we want to make/sell/buy and all the effort that goes into our possessions…indeed
life is difficult.
And I haven’t even mentioned the emotional difficulty of
being in relationship with one another. Having a form takes effort, yet it
seems that for many of us, we see our difficulties as abnormal, as a
punishment, as if life should be easy. The paradox is, once we accept life
isn’t easy, we actually begin to live with ease.
Lately, I’ve seen a lot written about how younger
generations aren’t developing resiliency, the character trait in which one meets
a challenging task and rather than give up, keeps trying until the task has
been completed. Instead of seeing a difficult homework assignment as important,
today’s kids tend to become anxious and are scared of failing. Rather than keep
at it, they give up, or blame the teacher, for their inability to see the task
through to completion. There’s abundant advice out there on how we can teach
children resiliency, such as giving them chores to accomplish at an early age,
or supporting them with difficult tasks as they navigate the complexities of
their school and social lives. We’re told we need to teach them to “never give
up” and that if we don’t, they won’t be able to face the challenges ahead.
It does fall to us to teach our children well, but I don’t
think resiliency is a skill, rather it’s a choice that each of us has to make.
We don’t learn to never give up, we accept that doing is the nature of life,
because life is work. There is no escaping it, indeed there is no other path
than to keep going and never give up.
The choice to accept
that life is difficult is the moment one becomes resilient.
What if our kids aren’t able to face the stress, pain and
work before them because we, the adults of this age, aren’t able to face the stress,
pain and work before us? Instead of meeting the difficulties, we act as if
they’re temporary, something that shouldn’t be, and tell ourselves fairy tales
that someday we’ll get to a point where all the difficulty falls away, and we
never have to struggle again. We avoid facing the truth by telling lies to hide
the fact that life is difficult and there’s no getting around it. And we teach
our children the same lies, destroying any chance at developing the resilient
character needed to master life.
Our culture does not reward hard work. We resent those who
enjoy working, calling them workaholics and accusing them of avoiding leisure.
Something must be wrong if you’d rather work than sit around and binge Netflix.
Work is seen as an evil that must be eradicated. We hold dear the idea that
once we achieve whatever goal we have, we will never work again. That somehow,
work will disappear, if we follow the rules of engagement. When we’ve made it,
life will be easy and we’ll sit around all day and play golf. Out there, in the
future, is a world where no one works, and everyone is happy.
This, my friends, is a lie. There is no future where no one
works, because life in the body requires work. Even the richest among us must
clean their bodies, wipe their asses after a shit, and chew and swallow their
food. They have to exercise and eat right, which takes work. Ask any homemaker
and they’ll tell you that work never ends. If you’re awake, something needs to
be done, because life is work. Only the dead can truly rest.
I hope I don’t sound old and grumpy. I’m actually quite the
opposite. I still don’t like to work, and there is some work I’d rather do (like
write my novels) than others (like cooking dinner), but after all these years,
I finally don’t resent the fact either. Rather than seeking to find a day when
all work stops, for after thirty plus years of adult life the work just keeps
coming and coming, or to organize my time to the minute in order to maybe get
some time to do what I want, because the moment I sit down to do what I want
someone will always need my help, I’ve begun to meet each moment and ask, “What
needs to be done now?” In this way, I no longer resent the fact that life is
difficult, nor do I resent those who don’t “do their fair share.” What is
anyone’s fair share really? If something needs to be done, then someone needs
to do it, even if that person is me.
I’d agree that our children are anxious because they lack
resiliency, yet I'm not convinced the reason for this is because we’ve spoiled them. Perhaps, rather than teach them the truth that life is difficult, we've lied to them,
and taught them that in order to be truly happy, the work of life must be
avoided. We do this with the subtle tales that we ourselves believe and
actually glorify. Perhaps if we take the time to look at these lies, and the
stories we tell each other, we can begin to see the truth of life and make a
choice to accept its difficulties and thus, become resilient.
Here are three of the biggest lies perpetuated in our
society that teach us that the work of life is unnatural and something to be
avoided at all costs.
1.
Happily Ever After
We all know this one—the entire wedding
industry, as well as every Disney tale, is based upon it. The reason for our
unhappiness is that we’re alone and the moment we find the perfect person,
we’ll be happy. Moreover, the only effort that needs to be put forth is buying a diamond ring and planning
a nice, big wedding. This lie teaches our children that falling in love is easy
and without effort, you’ll know he’s the one at first glance. It will also
solve all of your problems. Life ceases to be work if you’ve found your one
true love. If there are arguments, he’s not the one. Romance doesn’t require
work, just a kiss. Once the honeymoon phase is over however, the real work of
love sets in, and many of us panic, assuming something must be wrong.
Unhappiness festers, we’re no longer glowing. Soon we either constantly fight,
or avoid one another. After that, many divorce. Our love stories often imply that
we will struggle in other relationships until we find our soul mate, and then
everything falls into place. You’ll find that prince and live happily ever after,
knowing his every desire and meeting it with perfection. And if that’s not the
case, if instead it takes effort to keep the flame going, then someone has done
something wrong. Either way, blame begins and as soon as that happens, we
breakup, hoping to find someone else who can be our ideal partner and make life
easier. This lie teaches our children that love and sex don’t take any effort at
all, and that in fact, if they do take effort, then something is wrong with
you.
2.
Retirement
An economic concept that is only a few
generations old, this is the idea that if you save your money for forty years
while working for the man, you can retire when you’re sixty and never have to
work again. While many men born in the thirties through the fifties actually
have experienced retirement, but most of us born since 1965 will not have this
luxury, and it’s driving Gen X and Y crazy. Two recessions have decimated their
retirement plans and pensions. The cost of living is so high, very few will be
able to retire like their fathers did. The fact that we won’t be able to spend
our golden years golfing under the Florida sun may feel like a failure, as if
we’ve done something wrong. But here’s the deal, any woman in the early Boomer age
group will tell you that they never actually retired. The work of the house continued,
even after the breadwinner left his traditional job to live off his pension.
Her work actually increased because she had to take care of him all day, in
addition to the household work she’d been doing since she married. Retirement
has been, for the most part, a white, male dream. And here’s something else,
the idea of refraining from “work” for the last thirty years of your life is an
entirely new concept. Prior to 1935, if you lived, you worked, most likely on a
farm, or factory, or if you were rich you managed the farm and factory until
your last breath, or until your health rendered you incompetent and your
children took over while you wasted away in a rocker on the front porch,
talking nonsense to the grandchildren. Regardless, you worked until your body
no longer functioned. Then came the baby boomers, leaving work by 60, some even
younger, and building 55+ communities in the sunniest places across the nation.
Suddenly, after thousands upon thousands of years of working till death, we no longer had to.
Caring for our elderly makes sense, but the myth of retirement has taught us
that to work is a curse that you must plan to leave as soon as you can, and
that if you play your cards right, you’ll be sitting pretty the last thirty
years of your life. It’s a myth that teaches all of us, including our kids,
that life shouldn’t be about work, and that the only reason we do it is to make
money. This completely ignores the fact that we actually work to live, and live
to work, regardless of our retirement schemes. Even if you quit your job, you
will still work. Our communities, homes and families need our efforts, and
taking care of those aspects of life can be very difficult, at any age. Regardless,
after a mere seventy years, the retirement myth has already begun to fall
apart, because we lack the economic discipline to make it a reality.
3.
Robotic Utopia
The myth that work is beneath us is what
drove us to enslave one another in the first place. Work is for the “working
class” and the elites have long tried to avoid it. First they captured people
from other nations to use as labor, buying and selling human flesh to avoid the
grueling work that needs to be done to support homo sapien life on Earth. They also
created class systems to provide a plethora of human capital to do the dirty
work of life. When nations began to make slavery illegal and then formed unions
to protect worker’s rights, we turned to machines and enslaved them. Today the fairy
tale of our times is a utopia where none of us works at all while Rosie the
Robot does everything, including wiping our asses as well as providing orgasms. We’re both excited and
fearful of this future—for if robots can do all the work, then what will we do?
Oh, how will man live if he is idle? Again, any homemaker will tell you that
work continues, even if you don’t go into the office. It is nearly impossible
to be idle if you live in the body. It will wake you to pee and your stomach
will grumble until you get some food. You must care for yourself and the home
around you. Yes, machines make that labor easier, but the labor of life still
exists. We must work at our relationships (see number one above), we must raise
our children, we must learn to communicate, we must put on our clothes and
clean our bodies. Robots can’t save us from the work of life, so far they’ve
just allowed us to get more of that work done in a day. This is wonderful, I
can do all my laundry in three hours rather than three days, but the clothes
still need to be put in the hamper and washed. Longing for a future where no
one does anything while machines drone around us doing the work of life teaches
our children that the efforts they put in right now are beneath them, work that
someone, or something, else should do, and will in the future. At which point,
all their efforts in school and work are useless, if they’re just going to be
replaced by machines. How does a generation remain hopeful when they’re
constantly being told that they’re not really needed, because robots are just
going to take their jobs?
There are many other lies about work and
the effort of life that we tell ourselves, but these three—perfect marriages,
retirement, and a future where robots do all of our work—encourage us to meet
the work of the now with suspicion. We’re constantly trying to avoid the work,
or be more efficient, or assume that if something is difficult, something is
wrong. This is the root of all suffering—attachment to the idea that life
should be easy.
Plain and simple, life is work and trying
to avoid work ruins our relationships, our creative endeavors and our internal
spirits. Depression seeps in when we realize it’s never going to be better than
it is now. We get angry at others for not doing their share, or worse, for asking
us to help. Our children need our time and attention, our spouses need our
love, our parents need our help, our communities need our efforts and above
all, our democracy needs our engagement. All of this is difficult and takes effort.
The paradox, according to M. Scott Peck, is a simple one. Once we accept that life
is difficult, the work just is. Nothing more, nothing less. Meeting each moment
and doing the work that is needed brings ease to the worried mind. This is
resilience, and rather than try to teach it, life asks that we embody it, one
activity at a time.
